Sharing our Faith

I had the most wonderful faith experience today with my friend Trudy. We talked on the phone for over an hour in which time we covered a lot of territory. We hadn't talked since May when I went back to Massachusetts for the summer. Trudy celebrated her birthday last week. I had called her and dropped off a book on prayerful reflection to her house and today she called me to thank me.

Trudy and I come from totally different backgrounds. She is a true Southern belle; she has the accent, the poise, and she dresses beautifully every day. We have even laughed about how her underwear matches her outfit! I affectionately call her "Barbie". She has a different outfit for each occasion, just like Barbie!

What many don't know is that Trudy is a deeply spiritual woman who deals with a lifelong, chronic disease. It has hampered her life in many ways and presents obstacles in new ways every day. Trudy starts each day off with praying. She has much to teach me. I pray each day and try to live my prayer life the best I can. Trudy reflects, reads Scriptures and prays each morning to help her deal with whatever the day presents to her, both mentally and physically. That is why I gave her a book on reflection for her birthday.

I'm "cradle born Catholic" as they say here in the South. Trudy is Baptist. Continents apart most people think. But Trudy and I have spent many hours discussing our religion. I have made Catholicism less of a mystery to her, I hope, and she has shown me how Baptists honor God and especially Jesus.

So this morning, Trudy and I talked about our faith, our prayer life, and how we try each day to do God's will. Not your typical "catch up" call. We both, in our own way, are trying to fulfill whatever purpose we are meant to do. I truly believe each of us is born for a reason. I welcome other's viewpoints on their religious life. What I won't focus on is our differences! Our lives are too crammed full of issues and problems to focus on that. I'd rather focus on what we share. Our love of family, of God and trying to understand what are we to do at this moment in our lives.

I shared with Trudy what's happening in my family and she did the same with me. And we told each other we would pray for the needs of our families. I told her she had uplifted me. She offered a fresh look at situations in which I find myself; offered a different perspective and renewed my faith in myself and in the wisdom of God. That's a beautiful experience.

So don't discount people in your life who you think aren't like you. Trudy and I are not that different after all. We love our families and our God. And we each are trying to do the least harm and the most good we can. As Trudy said today, "I try to act so that others see more of God and less of me." Isn't that what our lives should be?

September's end

I couldn't let September go by without sharing a few thoughts. It's been very hot, humid and cloudy here in KY until yesterday. Now we're in sweaters and rubbing our arms. No sooner do we shut off the AC and we have to think about turning on the furnaces!!

Fall is a mixed bag for me. I like it but don't love it. I can enjoy those clear blue skies and the changing leaves, but not without a slight shudder at the thought of the cold that will soon be here.

One of the things that's nice about south central Kentucky is we don't get deep cold waves. We stay pretty moderate but we do get lots of clouds and those dreary days tend to weigh me down. So right now I am enjoying the last colors of my gardens and trying to keep up with the weeds. I swear they have orgies during the night because they are all back again when I return in the morning!

I've used this month to try to organize myself a bit more and re-evaluate groups and activities in which I participate. Not easy. I'm finding that I want to be with people who enjoy each other and focus on what's important. Values are becoming so important to me. What one says and does matters. And I want to be with those who are considerate of others and open to all. There are so many great organizations and groups to join that you can get "over" scheduled. A different activity each day is a real possibility. I love people so I usually just jump in and then decide later if I want to continue.

So I'm prioritizing my activities. I want to focus on those things that make life a bit easier for others. I'm blessed to be able to volunteer and join groups and so I want my time to be used wisely. And I also want time alone. Time to reflect. To analyze, so to speak, my progress towards my goals of helping others.

So that's what I've been doing for September. Looking inwards, preparing myself for the winter months ahead just as I prepare my garden beds for the winter. Doing lots of work inside so that come spring, I can bloom too!

My son is home!

This morning my husband Art returned to Kentucky from Duxbury, MA. Our son, A.G., drove him to Providence for his early morning flight. Art came in to see our son, who is home on leave from Sudan where he works for a non-profit agency. He's based out of Khartoum where he works on micro-economic projects inside the camps for IDPs...internally displaced people. In my terminology, refugees. But as my son tells me, you can't be a refugee when you're in your own country...thus, IDPs. He also now travels to Dafur to supervise the extension of his agency's services there since the President of Sudan kicked out 13 agencies after the warrant for his arrest for crimes against humanity was issued by the International Court. Need I say more? Heavy stuff.

The last 5 days have been wonderful ones for me. First my husband got here for a little R&R. It took the arrival of our son to pull him away from his travels and work load. Art, my husband, works in international sales and spends far too many hours in the office or out of the country as far as I'm concerned. But after nearly 35 years of this I should have learned to keep my mouth shut! I still complain and fight for every moment I get!

He arrived the night before our son flew in from Sudan for his home leave. It also coincided with our 37th wedding anniversary. So what a wonderful gift! The only part missing was our daughter Jen who had to return, last week, to Chicago with her husband to finish her 3rd year of law school at Northwestern.

When our son, A.G., got off the bus from Logan Airport, I watched my husband run to him and hug him. He wouldn't let go and A.G. looked at me, over his Dad's shoulder, as if to say, "What's up with this?" My husband, Art, was overwhelmed with emotion. I know it well. The joy of seeing your child, the relief to know he is safe, and the realization that he is a man putting himself in harm's way for others. I deal with this each and every day as I start my day in prayer for my children and their spouses. This is not to say my husband doesn't. He does. His day starts and ends in prayer. But usually it's me that faces the kids on the front line. He's trapped in his job. Or he allows himself to be trapped in his job. That's another topic all together!

Our son's wife, Patty, has started a new job in D.C. She too is working to support non-profits. She works for a company that distributes and coordinates funds for non-profits, as best I can gather, and she too will be traveling to far off places. So A.G. will leave this week to join his wife and bring their dog to her. For awhile they will live apart while he finishes his job and she starts her new one.

During the few days my husband was here, we got to spend time with our son and absorb all that he has become. His love for his family is as strong as ever, his sense of humor as sharp. There is a new depth to him. He is seeing human nature in a way I never have. He is seeing what the worst in us can do. He watches what the best in us can salvage. He is incensed by the subterfuge our country is engaging in with the political parties playing their games with people's lives and welfare. He is more and more disenchanted with the "American Way." What he sees is a nation afraid to move forward. Afraid that becoming diverse weakens us. What his life experience teaches him, is that people, no matter their color, want the best for their children. Carrying that goal in their hearts, they will rise above genocide, political suppression, gender bias, religious fanaticism. And yet here, the greatest and freest land on earth, we are arguing about granting health care for the poor! For him it's an oxymoron. You are the richest land on earth yet you won't share it with your own.

His reflections clear the air for me. It makes it much more simple. You either take care of your citizens or you don't. If that's black and white, so be it.

So many thoughts and feelings rushed through me this weekend. And as a background for our family gathering to celebrate AG and each other, we watched the senior Senator from Massachusetts, Ted Kennedy, pass away and be buried. Family. First and foremost. Taking care of each other and called to public service. To share the gifts, talents and treasure with those less fortunate.

So much to share and to reflect upon. For now, I take joy in the sound of my son upstairs packing to join his wife in DC. And to know that my son is home and safe. For that I thank God.

Ah...parents!

Tonight I spoke with my dear friend Roni who is with her parents in Akron. Her Dad at 87 is in intensive care battling pneumonia, Legionnaires. Her Mom is presenting with symptoms of early stages of Alzheimers. Back home in Bowling Green, sits her husband and son minding her mother-in-law, 95, who has come to live with them for 3 months after suffering a fall in her home in Florida and several weeks of hospitalization. Her husband and his brother are splitting the care of their Mom right now...three months with one and then three months with the other.

So think about this. Roni at 65 and Chuck at 64 have 3 out of 4 parents still alive! And while living their own lives, Chuck still working et al, and being on call for their 3 children and 5 grandchildren they are now caring for 3 aging parents.

It boggles the mind, doesn't it? But that's the reality of the so called baby boomers today. We are caring for our kids' kids and their great-grandparents. Talk about the rubber band generation!!

So how do you deal with the emotions that roil inside of you when you are faced with this incredible task? Who do you cut off first? That sounds cruel but let's face it....something has to give. Do you focus on your parents who raised you, supported you, helped you with your own kids? Or do you look to the future and decide that you have to focus on your grandkids and be there for your own kids?

I don't have any good answers. Both of my parents are gone. My Dad to cancer just months after placing my Mom in a nursing home with Alzheimers. Mom spent 9 years on that ward. I watched her slip away from me and all my siblings. I'm not sure where she went for the years it took her body to finally acquiesce to letting this life go. But I stood vigil while it happened.

What's easier on a child, adult though they may be? To have a parent be "with you" until old age finally eases them into the next life, or to have them leave before their time in your eyes?

All I know is that I am witnessing my friend be swamped with decision-making and feeling overwhelmed by 3 aging parents depending on her.

Is it possible that one can live too long? I think so. What happens to families that have postponed dealing with those God-awful decisions that have to be made about final instructions, plans of what to do if Mom/Dad lives so long they can't take care of themselves? It can rip families apart. We've all seen it.

So tonight I speak with my Mom and Dad, wherever their spirits are, and I tell them how I love them. How I hope that if they had lived longer I would have cared for them in the right manner. That my brothers, sister, and I would have made the right decisions. And I admit to them my relief, that they are at peace and I never had to deal with what my wonderful friend Roni is facing.

Ah, parents. Mine, yours, ours. We came from parents, we are parents, and our children become parents. Do we parent ourselves as well as our kids? Do they parent us? Or is it that it's one continous cycle, where we are children, adults, parents, and children again? All I know is that whatever stage we are, we need to love and be loved.

Reflections of a Grey June

Well, today's the last day of June and I must say I'm not sorry to see it go.  I've been back home on the South Shore of Boston for nearly a month now and have had only 4 days of sun!!  And once again this morning it's misty and grey.

I don't mind misty and grey.  In fact, sometimes it's a welcomed relief from heat and sun.  You can curl up with a great book on a misty day and lose yourself in some historical novel or the latest best seller.  And a misty day is a perfect excuse to pull out my card making supplies and go crazy making cards.  Or sometimes I pull out the sewing machine and get to work on some project that "just has to be done" even though it's been sitting in the closet for months!  But enough is enough!!  Bring on the sun, please.

I think my mood today is a bit misty and grey too.  I've been watching my daughter and her husband rush hither and yon this summer.  She's doing her 2nd year summer associate job at a Boston law firm and he's traveling with his career.  Both are focused and seem to have endless energy.  I feel like a run down battery next to them!

I've reflected lately on my "career".  Or lack thereof.  It's like that line of most forms you fill out:  "Occupation".  It still irks me to write in "homemaker."  It's not that I'm ashamed of it.  It's just so nebulous.  Homemaker.  What is that?  

I did focus totally on making a home.  That's not easy.  How do you quantify it?  I never clocked in or out.  I wasn't salaried.  Never had a yearly evaluation.  I can just see that.  Facing my husband and kids.  "So, let's see.  What were your goals this past year?  Did you make your forecast?  I don't see any numbers here.  How can we determine your profit or loss?"  I've lived in so many apartments and houses I've lost count.  Actually, I haven't!  I've moved 13 times in 37 years.  I've lived in 4 apartments, 2 rented homes in England, and owned 6 homes.  

Hey, now that I see it in print I'm feeling pretty good about myself.  I made all these places a home for myself and my family.  I painted, papered, sewed window treatments, accessorized, cooked countless meals, cleaned, laundered and got the family rolling.  Add to that my working part time some of those years and full time during other years.

I can feel that mist burning off and the grey is lifting from my spirit.  I've had one great and successful career.  Now I just have to come up with a better term than "homemaker".  Domestic Designer?  Family Coach?   Any ideas?

A Day of Warmth

Saturday I spent the day with my sister, sister-in-law, daughter and niece on Nantucket.  My niece is there for two weeks taking an intensive oil painting class.  We took the high speed ferry down and had such a great day.  The sun came out, the air was sparkling, but most of all the five of us shared a day of the warmth deep friendship brings.

It was a "girls" day all the way.  We shopped, we ate, we strolled the streets.  Not sure if guys have days like this but I love them.  There's something about being with other women who share your values and interests that opens the heart.  I find that I can laugh at myself more easily within the embrace of friendship.  We share our souls with each other.  That's a blessing that heals so many hurts.

It was also a blessing because it was generational.  My daughter and niece see things differently than myself, my sister and sister-in-law.  Not in our values, but in the perception of life due to the stage they're in.   They are at the cusp of their futures, we are either in the midst of it all or exiting .  There is more behind us than ahead of us.  That has colored my thoughts a lot recently.  My daughter teases me that I'm "doom & gloom" or in my "when I'm dead and gone" phase and that may be so.  But to me it's a wealth of reflections and insights that I gladly welcome.  I expect to live a long life but part of living that life is embracing where I am in that journey.

So part of the joy of the day was watching that next generation share thoughts with each other. And to relish their ease and enjoyment of spending time with their mothers and aunts.  So many women I know do not have an easy relationship with their daughters.  And yet many others do.  What makes the difference?  What enables a woman to be able to be authentic with her daughter or niece?  I think for me it's acknowledging them as the full person they are right now and the wonderful potential I see in them.  To be interested in their dreams, their challenges, their life.  To treat them with respect and honor them as the wonderful individuals they are becoming. And to share with them who I am.  Not who I think a mother should be or an aunt should be, but as I am, warts and all.  That's why I can laugh at myself with them because they can call me on my idiosyncrasies.  Like my mouth moving whenever I listen to someone talk to me.  Or my inability to pronounce names correctly.  That's when I remind them that: "when I'm dead and gone you'll laugh about that and remember me."  It actually makes me feel valued.  At least they'll have memories of me!!

I was blessed to have some aunts and a step-grandmother who respected me and honored me as I grew into womanhood.  My Mom did in many ways as well.  They held me to a standard that sometimes chafed.  Yet they listened to me.  They offered their opinions to me.  They took the time to make me feel valued.  What a great gift.

So my wonderful day in Nantucket evoked lots of warm feelings.  Of belonging, of mattering, of sharing in the lives of four of the women of my life.  All the warmth that day was not of the sun.

Memorial Day

Today is Memorial Day.  This was always a very big day in my hometown.  We had a parade and it covered all the area cemeteries where the parade would stop, a speech was made, flags were posted,  and Taps played.  I marched in it when I was in 3rd grade, I think.  I was a Bluebird.  That's the beginning group of Campfire Girls.  For me, at that time, it was just a fun experience.  I knew we were honoring our War dead but it had no real meaning for me.

How different it is for me today!  I now reflect on my father's Army service in the European theatre of WWII, my father-in-law's Naval service in the Pacific during WWII, my high school friends' service in Vietnam, and my friends' sons' and daughters' service in the Gulf War and in Iraq and Afghanistan.

As an adult, I can now realize a lot that I didn't as a young kid.  I can now see what costs the War took on my Dad.  He never talked about his experiences while we were growing up.  And I think that was the norm for that generation.  What they had seen and experienced couldn't be put into words, really.  They were home at last and wondering why they made it and so many didn't.  There are now so many articles about PTA, post traumatic syndrome, that the public understands more about war's cost than we did before.  But for me as a kid, I never knew what Dad suffered.  It was only in my adult years that I came to understand how war had affected him and changed him.  It was a surprise and a great honor for us to learn after our father's death, that he had won 5 Bronze Stars.  But it also brought sadness to my heart to realize that he had seen 5 major battles in his time in Europe and therefore so much death and horror.

I know he spoke to me about the Warsaw Ghetto since he was with the first American troops to enter Warsaw.  He was always angry that the Yanks had to wait outside Warsaw while the Russians were given the first entry.  And how appalled he was with what he found.  That and the death camp he liberated.  

Yet these conversations were brief and rare.  And they only occurred after many years had gone by.  My father-in-law is the same.  It's only in recent years that he talks about his experiences in the Pacific Ocean.  The horrible typhoon that his ship went through along with so many others in his fleet.  His being on watch while ships were sinking.  His conversation with a Captain of a ship within his fleet who told him they were going down.  And how years later, on a cruise with my Mother-in-law, he met the wife of that very Captain!!  There are no coincidences!!!  Dad K also wondered often in his life, why he survived when so many didn't.  Mom K always told him that Our Lady was protecting him to bring him to her.

Perhaps these men, who witnessed so much at such a young age, can only now reflect verbally about what those years meant and did.  With the passage of years comes wisdom hopefully.  I know for my Dad it also brought self-forgiveness.  The "survivor guilt" was finally let go.  They served honestly for a cause that needed to be won.  Freedom.  The right to live life as best you can without tyranny.  And so in their later years, each man saw the honor of what they did as well as the reality of what happened to them.  

As a mother, I never saw my son go off to war.  I was blessed in that.  My friend, Roni, saw her son go off to Iraq twice.  I saw her worry, her pain, and her incredible faith tested.  Today, war is immediate for all of us.  The media brings it into our home as it is happening.  So what is better?  To know what is going on today or to not have explicit visions daily but only what your mind can imagine as it was in WWII?  Both are horrible realities.  I can only imagine what price mothers and fathers all over our country paid as they sent sons and daughters off to all the wars. 

So here's the conclusion I've come to.  All of us pay a price whenever our country engages in War.  It's not just the soldiers who have to do the job.  It's everyone of us.  Either on the front lines or supporting from back home.  Every soldier's life has to matter to all of us.  Because without their presence, we wouldn't have what we do, here, in the USA.  War is a reality.  No one wants it.  But history shows it's always present.  We need to understand what we are fighting for and speak for or against it according to our conscience.  But we all have the responsibility to support our brave men and women.

This Memorial Day I remember all who have given their lives throughout our Nation's history.  May we always honor them as they so richly deserve.  And to my Dad, I thank you not only for the sacrifice you made in your 20's but for the long years of pain you suffered because of that service.  Be at peace forever more Dad.